Kick it Over the Cliff – Letting Go of Things That Aren’t Ours to Bear
Holding onto issues that are not ours ends up being toxic to our everyday lives.
At the end of a visualization exercise that I do with my clients in session, I often hear them express surprise at the emotional alleviation that they experience. This visualization helps them to separate what is theirs from what is not theirs. They frequently express surprise at how letting go of their burdens, even ones they didn’t know were “hanging around” each day, offers them relief. They share their emotional, mental and physical relief after participating in this exercise.
Life’s burdens have a way of stacking up on us, don’t they? I have found that sometimes they stack up so high (or so heavily) that we have a hard time functioning– we are easily distracted, achieve less and our functioning decreases. We have physical pains that we shoulder each day, that we get accustomed to it. They still weigh on us.
What if I told you that many of the things that we tend to hold onto, that weigh us down and interrupt our functioning tend to not actually be “ours”. Are you willing to take a look, long enough to know and possibly do something differently?
How do you know that you’re holding onto something that isn’t yours?
One way that we can tell if we are holding onto something that is not ours is when there is a situation in which you have no say, and/or no control. Emotionally, these situations, when we own them tend to feel very frustrating and hopeless. They tend to occupy a lot of emotional and mental “space” within us, and can be very tiring. Letting go of the things you cannot control, the things that are not yours, is liberating.
Another way that you can tell if you’re holding onto something that is not yours is when you’re living in a land of assumption- what a treacherous land that is. If you are assuming things about situations, others, yourself etc. you may want to consider letting go. Assumptions are toxic to relationships and to our mental and emotional well-being.
There are certain things in life that are ours. Legitimately.
Some things that are ours are our responsibilities and privileges, thoughts, feelings, our part in relationships, and more. When we take responsibility for these things, life can be pretty great! Notice how I did not mention your kids, partners, friends, neighbors, bosses, store clerks, etc. I don’t know about you, but whenever I have tried to exert control over my child, I am sorely disappointed when brought to reality once again (facepalm).
Some people feel powerlessness when they think about how little control they have over other people and/or their responses. I propose that is the most powerful place to be. If it’s my responsibility, I can manage it. I can work it. I can resolve whatever comes of it. When it’s not mine and I take it upon myself with it’s stressors and other side effects, it really becomes toxic for me to hold onto. It’s toxic because all it can do is sit in my system for me to dwell on. Good things don’t tend to come of that process. There’s something really freeing about finding out what’s yours and what isn’t. What isn’t in my control is the weather, other people’s driving habits, the attitude of my child, how much something cost, and whether or not the grocery store carries my favorite product, to name a few. What is in my control is what I eat, my language, my thought processes, how I treat others etc. (these lists are not all-inclusive).
The things that we hold onto that are not within our scope of control or responsibility, cause us damage. For this reason, it is good to take an honest look and see what we can rid ourselves of. One of the ways that I propose that we get rid of our what’s not ours is to first find out what IS ours. Once we take responsibility for what is ours, and I mean legitimate responsibility (take off the blinders and be humble), we can choose what to do with the residual. I recommend trying the following: visualize kicking the rest off a cliff. I know, it sounds ridiculous, however, you wouldn’t imagine how freeing it is to visualize kicking things off a cliff when they aren’t yours. Try it. It’s amazing.
Often times we try to get others to take responsibility for what we think is theirs… once again I recommend that you consider that it may not be your responsibility to try to convince someone of what you think is theirs. I found that a lot of times people don’t want their own responsibilities. So, another recommendation for when you come across someone who refuses to take responsibility for their part… imagine “dropping off” or letting (the situation, accusation etc.) drop beside you (you can always walk away from it).
Some people don’t want to face the reality of the circumstances that they created or were involved in. Some people don’t want to take responsibility for their finances, raising their children, their relationships, etc. So, when someone won’t take it back, or take what we may think is theirs, just “drop it off”, or “kick it off” a cliff. What’s someone else’s is not yours, and you don’t need to assume emotional responsibility for it just because someone else hasn’t. When we bear the burden of such things, it only weighs us down. Who knows, maybe the other person will end up picking it up if you drop it. There’s no guarantee on that. All I know is that there’s a nice freedom and liberation that comes when I don’t take ownership for what isn’t mine. I recommend that you do the same. I dare you to try it out. Own the fact that one of your burdens is taking responsibility for what is not yours. Unburden yourself!
So, what is weighing you down today? What part of it is yours? Own it. Dismiss the rest. Take responsibility for what is yours, and free yourselves of things that are not. You just may notice that you’re breathing a little bit more deeply afterward.